Rasputin: Orgien am Zarenhof (1984)

Rasputin: Orgien am Zarenhof (1984)

Directed by: Ernst Hofbauer

Starring: Alexander Conte, Uschi Karnat, Marion Berger

I got my VCR working after months of being in disrepair, so I was finally able to watch a bunch of weird bootleg VHS tapes I had gotten from a friend of a friend. One of which was labeled “Rasputin XXX” and had this movie on it. I’m so glad I fixed that thing…

Rasputin, the… Russian evil wizard guy. You know who Rasputin is. Anyway, he goes from being a torturer to a personal advisor to a contessa, to eventually advisor to the czar himself. In between massive orgies, Rasputin has time to be almost killed several times, but nothing seems to kill him. Did I mention the orgies? That’s most of the film.

And I mean ORGIES. Like eighty people in a room at various states of going at it, sometimes for entire hours of the film at a time. Which is especially strange, as the first half hour of this movie is pretty brutal, what with all the torture (and not the sexy kind of torture, either). It kinda reminded me of Caligula for a while, at least until it devolved into nothing but sex. Dirty, 80′s porn sex. Eugh.

Careful, He May Be Watching (1987)

Careful, He May Be Watching (1987)

Directed by: Richard Pacheco

Starring: Seka, Mike Horner, Kay Parker

I’d say the phrase “they don’t make ‘em like they used to” applies to this 80′s porno, but I didn’t think that they EVER made porn like this. This is a fully-fledged romantic comedy, with decent performances and an actually interesting emotional arc for the main character. I know, what the hell?

By night, she’s a loving housewife to her airline pilot husband, but while he’s at work she puts on a wig and becomes the newest porn star to get popular! When her weird old manager asks her to do a scene with another woman, she gets anxious, having never done anything like that (despite her husband’s constant asking for a threesome). She finally overcomes her nerves and does the scene, then, feeling better about herself, tells her husband that she’s finally ready for a threesome with him, and luckily he just met (and had sex with) a new stewardess! What a happy and weird ending.

Apart from the way they actually deal with the main character’s nervousness to be with another woman, there are a couple pretty legitimately funny parts of this film. The most notable one is when the husband is on his plane and is fantasizing about the stewardess, and the passengers serve as a sort of weird chorus that repeat things like “YES, JOHN, LOOK AT HER ASS”. So yeah, this is a pretty decent movie. I still have no idea how people in the 80′s could find any of the sex in this arousing, but maybe that’s just a difference in time.

Hercules: A Sex Adventure (1997)

Hercules: A Sex Adventure (1997)

Directed by: Joe D’Amato

Starring: Kelly Trump, Hakan Serbes, Mike Foster

Man, do I know how to class up a movie review site or do I? I do like how this movie is Italian and dubbed poorly into English, making it seem much more like the Steve Reeves Hercules movies from the 60′s. What is it with Italy and Hercules, anyway? There are like a million of those things.

Hercules wants to win the love of a girl he likes, but Hera doesn’t want him to for some reason. After having sex with like forty other women, Hercules finally meets up with his dream girl, but she’s got a curse on her that makes her not really all that into Herc. He journeys with Samson (who is from a whole other mythology! C’mon, porn guys, sheesh) to find some golden apples which will cure the curse because anyone who eats them gains an insatiable lust. In the end, everybody’s happy, and by happy, I mean having sex.

This is actually kind of a real Hercules style adventure, except that all the sex doesn’t leave a lot of time for him to do anything else. Not that I’m actually complaining that this porno places most of its emphasis on sex or anything, I’ve pretty much come to terms with that by now.

Sex Hex (2007)

Sex Hex (2007)

Directed by: George Freeway

Starring: Sabrina Faire, Jackie Stevens, A.J. Khan

It feels kinda weird marking Sex Hex as a porn movie, since it’s one of those “soft” pornos where you just see boobs and girls writhing around in some gruesome simulacrum of lesbian sex, at least now that I actually review REAL porn on here. It certainly isn’t any other kind of movie, though, and if I defined it as a “comedy”, I think I’d be forced to shoot myself for such an egregious misuse of the word.

A vampire hunter (named Carl! Have you ever heard of a vampire hunter named Carl?! HOW WACKY!!!) sets up shop in an office building, and waits for his first job. Luckily for him, he finds a “new kind” of vampire at totally a completely different office building, who does not have vampire fangs and just has sex with other women and then sucks out their pleasure or something. Carl the Vampire Hunter completely fails to do anything, and then the movie ends.

Why is it that the professional porn industry can be WAY funnier than this shitty softcore porn bullshit? I have never in my life seen a halfway decent softcore porn movie (don’t ask me how many I have seen, because that’ll just make us both sad and uncomfortable), and yet this recent trend of hardcore porn parody films, for example, frequently come up with significantly more entertaining jokes and premises. What’s even the market for a movie like Sex Hex, anyway? I always figured it was just a way for the producers to see girls naked in person when they were too ashamed to pay for a prostitute, but maybe that’s just me being mean.

Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody (2012)

Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody (2012)

Directed by: Axel Braun

Starring: Seth Gamble, Allie Haze, Tom Byron

There are actually a couple things I gotta give to this porn parody, the foremost of which being that it has EASILY the best special effects I have ever seen in a porno. I know it’s not really a title heavily vied for, but that just makes it all the more surprising. Star Wars XXX has CGI on par with a made-for-SyFy channel movie about giant sharks, or a video game with live-action segments from 1995.

The plot is pretty much the same as the original Star Wars (except this one is subtitled “A New Hole”). There’s an evil empire out to blow up a rebellion and the means to defeating them lies in a little foul-mouthed robot (R2-D2 being a cursing dick is something that I think is completely true to the original) that comes into possession of a farmer on a desert planet. He enlists the aid of a drunk old man and a smarmy, murderous pilot, and they immediately get captured by the bad guys. The old guy dies, but they get a hot chick instead, and they blow up the Death Star. Actually, in this version, Luke fails at blowing up the Death Star, but it turns out there was a grease fire in the kitchen that spreads to the reactor and it blows up anyway.

There are some legitimately funny moments in this film. Knowing what we now know about the prequels actually puts a couple things in an entirely different light, and this movie points those out really well. Also, by and far the best part of this film is Tom Byron as Obi-Wan Kenobi, who is portrayed as an old drunk who doesn’t really care a whole lot anymore. He does the Alec Guinness voice perfectly and looks a shitload like the guy, only this time we’re introduced to him when he uses the force to hypnotize a Tusken Raider and has sex with her. And that’s… where this movie falls apart. The sex is really bad at the worst of times, and downright horrifying at others. Chewbacca has a sex scene. I think that’s all I really need to say.