Zu Warriors From the Magic Mountain (1983)

Zu Warriors From the Magic Mountain (1983)

Directed by: Hark Tsui

Starring: Biao Yuen, Hoi Mang, Adam Cheng

I haven’t written a review on here for like, two weeks, and it’s mainly because I wasn’t sure I could write a one paragraph review of this movie’s plot. I think I’ve finally got it figured out. I can only pray…

A soldier fleeing from a war finds himself in a haunted crypt, where he’s saved by a magical warrior. He begs to be the warrior’s apprentice, but there are more important things going on: The devil has escaped and is going to destroy the world. A man with magical facial hair is able to contain the devil inside a pillar of skulls and horns, but only until the constellations change position in the sky. Due to injuries, the soldier and the apprentice of a rival magic warrior must find the two magic swords that can defeat the devil. This adventure takes them through ice caves filled with giggling kung fu women, some sort of crazy asteroid field place with a black hole and an old guy tied to a rock, and finally high up in the clouds for the final fight sequence against the devil. With a cameo by Sammo Hung!

This movie is fucking insane, in the best possible way. It’s an attempt for Chinese martial arts films to incorporate the best western special effects of the time, and John Carpenter cites it as his inspiration for making Big Trouble in Little China. And really, the combination of wire-fu and awesome 80′s special effects makes for a movie where you’re just staring slack-jawed at it the whole time. Because so much crazy shit happens in this movie, it’s a little hard to follow at times (in keeping with traditional kung fu movie storytelling techniques), but the main trio of characters are simple with easily-defined personal growth. Honestly, Zu Warriors From the Magic Mountain reminded me a lot of Star Wars, where it’s a goofy fantasy adventure that’s just plain fun to watch. I heartily recommend this movie, for both those who ironically and unironically enjoy martial arts, cool practical effects, and magical moustaches.

Skinny Tiger and Fatty Dragon (1991)

Skinny Tiger and Fatty Dragon (1991)

Directed by: Chia Yung Liu

Starring: Sammo Hung, Karl Maka, Mark Houghton

I kinda like seeing kung fu movies that are still Chinese but which aren’t set in the weird fantasy world that almost every other kung fu movie takes place in. Even if that means it’s a buddy cop movie. I actually prefer that, in this rare instance.

Two intensely bizarre cops with significant martial arts chops break every rule they can think of to apprehend the leader of a drug-dealing cartel. This mostly involves capturing crooks, beating the shit out of them, then using strange reverse logic to convince them into telling them who their contact is. The rest of the time, they just beat up the crooks, then beat them up some more, mostly for no reason. Because they’re cops! WAKKA WAKKA!!

The plot is a little confusing just because the main characters are so goddamn bipolar and strange. I don’t know if it’s just a cultural difference or what, but I found it completely impossible to figure out the motivations of the main characters. On the other hand, the action is fucking perfect. Sammo Hung is obviously fantastic, and the pace of the fight sequences are so quick that you have to just let the kicks wash over you and enjoy it. Despite it’s story problems and character flaws, I heartily endorse Skinny Tiger and Fatty Dragon to people who like fast action non-wire-fu martial arts films.

Mr. Nice Guy (1997)

Mr. Nice Guy (1997)

Directed by: Sammo Hung

Starring: Jackie Chan, Richard Norton, Miki Lee

So… Jackie Chan is punching through some police tape that says “MR.             GUY”, and he wrote the word “NICE” on his knuckles? …What the fuck is that? Also, why are his legs trying to escape his body? Dammit, I should know better to actually analyze movie posters.

Jackie Chan is a TV chef a la Martin Yan (which is a pretty great premise for a Jackie Chan movie, you gotta admit) who accidentally gets caught up with some gangsters who are trying to get something from a pretty girl. Just like EVERY SINGLE MOVIE JACKIE CHAN HAS EVER MADE.

This is prime Jackie Chan stuff, and though it’s not even close to his best film, it still has all those things you expect and enjoy from this era of his movies. Awesome choreography, Jackie being some friendly, happy guy, and some moderately attractive Asian chicks. It’s not a film to seek out, but not one to turn off if it’s on TV or something, either.

Shaolin Invincible Sticks (1978)

Shaolin Invincible Sticks (1978)

Directed by: Tso Nam Lee

Starring: Gai Lung Chang, Yi Chang, Ching Cheng

Ahh, it’s been a while since I watched a good old fashioned kung fu movie. And it was a pretty damn good one, at that. The plot was retarded, of course, but it was cohesive enough that it didn’t distract you from the fighting. Which was awesome.

The heir to a school of fighting with sticks is exiled from his school by a bad guy, so he learns how to hit people with a stick better to get revenge.

FIGHTING WITH STICKS!! It sounds stupid, but it’s actually fucking fascinating to watch. Of the standard set of kung fu movie weapons, the stick (or bo staff, as the experts call it, and which I remember from watching a lot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kid. Hm… I wonder if that has anything to do with my love of kung fu movies…) is by and far the coolest one to watch. They’re these cool flexible bamboo things that’re just fucking insane to watch being used like that. The only cooler weapon I’ve seen in a kung fu movie was that giant piece of bamboo that Jackie Chan split into a bunch of pieces in The Legend of the Drunken Master. I can’t describe it right now, but you should just go watch that movie so you know what I’m talking about.

 

Bruce Lee Fights Back From the Grave (1976)

Bruce Lee Fights Back From the Grave (1976)

Directed by: Doo-yong Lee

Starring: Jun Chong, Deborah Dutch, Debby Tebora

Perhaps the most amazing thing about this film is this poster, and how it’s actually more or less accurate. The movie does start with Bruce Lee’s tombstone exploding. I’m not sure about the little Ozzy Osbourne bat thing, though. Bruce Lee isn’t in it, of course… Okay, the poster has nothing to do with the movie, either. FINE.

Bruce Lee’s grave is struck by lightning. Meanwhile, in the rest of the movie, a kung fu instructor goes out for revenge against a bunch of bad guys.

Really, I gotta hand it to the guy who decided to splice in that first minute of weirdness and then draw up this poster. It’s AMAZING PR. I wouldn’t have watched this thing if it wasn’t for the name. I can’t imagine ANYBODY would want to watch this movie for any other reason. So yeah, good job, guy.