Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 2, The Human Pets (1995)

Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 2, The Human Pets (1995)

Directed by: Frank Arnold

Starring: Corbin Allred, Jennifer Burns, Derek Webster

I’ve already seen the fifth part of this six-part series, so it seems only fitting that I watch part two next. Fitting because those were the only ones I could find, that is. Oh, who cares, it’s just Josh Kirby… TIME WARRIOR.

The movie actually starts out by ending the story of the first movie, which involves a kid, an old guy, and some woman in a weird kind of Robin Hood times where everyone rode dinosaurs around for some reason. Eventually they beat the evil, scenery-chewing king and go forward in time to the year seventy bajillion, where a giant ugly bald kid captures them. They’re forced to fight a cowboy and a musketeer and a WWI German fighter pilot, but eventually team up with them to get back to their time machine.

Every single actor in this movie made me want to either cry or shoot my TV. The plot was confused, mostly because it was really a movie and a half, and the plot devices were predictable and lame. Still, the special effects were way better than what there should’ve been in something like this. I especially liked the claymation dinosaurs who look for all the world like they were actually made out of Play-Doh. Also, there was a preview on the tape for Prehysteria! 3, which I really, really, really want to see now. Tiny dinosaurs help Fred Williard fix up his putt-putt golf course! Who wouldn’t want to see that?!

Mars Needs Moms (2011)

Mars Needs Moms (2011)

Directed by: Simon Wells

Starring: Seth Green, Joan Cusack, Dan Fogler

I got so mad at this movie, it was like every new stupid thing it did was specifically put in there to spite me. I’m not a conspiracy nut or anything, but I’m pretty sure the only reason this movie was made was to make me REALLY ANGRY and I do not appreciate that. Not at all. Well, a little.

Apparently on Mars, they raise their little potato babies by making a bunch of robots take care of them. For some reason, each time there’s a new batch of babies, they have to kidnap a mother from Earth and disintegrate her so her momly memories go into the robots. This time, the mother kidnapped by aliens is the mother of a weird Seth Green-looking kid, and he stows away on the spaceship to try and save her. He explores the wacky and horrifying landscape of Mars with the help of a fat nerd and a hippy alien, and eventually saves his mom and blah blah blah.

I couldn’t possibly cover all the problems with this movie in a single paragraph, and I’m sure as fuck not going to waste my time writing more than that for this movie. More than… one more… SHUT UP! At least there’s a bright side to this uncanny valley idiot festival, which is that it flopped so badly that is closed down Robert “I’ve Gone Completely Fuck-Crazy” Zemeckis’ awful CGI studio, which means no awful CGI remake of Yellow Submarine! That by itself makes this a worthwhile movie to have been made.

Johnny & Clyde (1995)

Johnny & Clyde (1995)

Directed by: William Bindley

Starring: Michael Rooker, John White, Sam Malkin

Have you ever noticed that sometimes IMDb has credits for animal “actors” and sometimes they don’t? It probably mostly depends on if they do more than one movie, I guess. And… you probably haven’t noticed that, because I spend way more time on IMDb and watching movies where animals are main characters than most people. I withdraw my hypothetical question.

Johnny & Clyde is the touching story about a criminal dog and the child of the worst police officer in the world who hates the dog and how they eventually become best friends forever (usually acronymized as “BeFrFo”). The kid keeps getting in trouble because the dog just wants to be friends, but he only knows about actual companionship from movies and TV, so he does a bunch of sitcom stuff. The two end up across town and have to journey back home before the kid’s parents get home, and through this wacky misadventure they learn to love.

Okay, yes, it’s kinda cute that the dog just wants to have a Lassie-style relationship with a boy, but that only goes so far. It goes basically not very far at all. I don’t want to do an in-depth review of any more movies about a boy and his dog, okay? Is that SO MUCH to ask??

Wee Sing in the Marvelous Musical Mansion (1992)

Wee Sing in the Marvelous Musical Mansion (1992)

Directed by: David Poulshock

Starring: Ariel Aver, Lajos Balogh, Adair Chappell

Have you ever noticed that I watch a lot of shit? Just really terrible movies, all the time. What’s up with that, anyway? Someone really should stop me from watching things like The Marvelous Musical Mansion, BEFORE I KILL AGAIN!

A woman takes three children to a house where everything is both alive and obnoxious. Also everything makes “music” in one way or another, and every awful song from your awful childhood is proudly displayed by child actors who look like they’re being forced against their wills to look like they don’t want to kill themselves. At night, a bunch of musical instruments are stolen in the house, so the kids have to solve the mystery (a mystery which is eventually solved by ASKING SOMEONE THAT SAW EVERYTHING).

This movie drove me to drink. I mean, I was already drinking, but that was just happy normal drinking. This movie made me want to get so drunk that I would either no longer be yelling at the TV in bitter hatred (turns out that didn’t work) or that I wouldn’t remember any of the details later on (this also didn’t work, but at least I got drunk). Basically what I’m saying is that if you make your kids watch this movie, the government should take them away from you forever.

A Pig’s Tale (1996)

A Pig’s Tale (1996)

Directed by: Paul Tassie

Starring: Joe Flaherty, Sean Babb, Mike Damus

I call seriously false advertising on this movie. If you’re going to call your movie A Pig’s Tale and put a picture of a pig on the cover, then it better damn well have ANYTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH PIGS, or at least have one in the entire film. I APPARENTLY WANTED TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT PIGS, OKAY?!

A group of kids go to summer camp and get stuck in the unpopular kid cabin (because they are unpopular for various reasons, each kid getting exactly one character trait), Pig Cabin. Their stoner camp councilor shows them the wonders of acting like pigs, then they experience fun and intrigue and romance. Fucking camp movies.

So, every movie about summer camp has to be an exact copy of Meatballs (not counting the kinds of camp movies that are exactly like Friday the 13th, that is)? And Meatballs itself is really just Animal House at camp, and all college movies are copies of Animal House anyway. Basically what I’m getting at is that every single movie ever is based on Animal House. Why.