Official Psycho Parody (2010)

Official Psycho Parody (2010)

Directed by: Gary Dean Orona

Starring: Sara Sloane, Ryan McLane, Kagney Lynn Karter

Look, I don’t care what your real name/porn pseudonym actually is, Gary Dean Orona, if you’re going to make a porn parody of Psycho it is COMPLETELY UNFORGIVABLE to not use a variation of “Alfred Hitchcock” as your name. Do I have to spell this shit out for you? Come on.

A woman steals money from her employer and goes to stay at a hotel run by a weird crossdressing guy who’s mother deranged him by telling him he would never be the fashion icon she was. He kills the woman and is subsequently investigated by a cop (who gets immediately distracted by a nearby whorehouse) and the sister of the victim and her fuckbuddy (who immediately figure out everything that’s going on).

Yep, sure is Psycho but with fuckin’. I think maybe the thing that surprised me most about it was that they didn’t really go all out with the shower sequence. I mean, it’s the most famous imagery from the original movie, and it’s already got boobs in it… Not that I’m trying to tell these porn people how to run their movies, it just seems like they wasted a layup there.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)

Directed by: Andrew Adamson

Starring: Tilda Swinton, Georgie Henley, William Moseley

Every once in a while I remember that they’re trying to make a series of big Narnia films and I think to myself, “I guess I’ll see those. Eventually. Actually, fuck it, just tell me when they do The Silver Chair, that was the one I liked.”

Four siblings find their way to a magical land through a portal in the wardrobe in the house they’re staying in. They become embroiled in the political intrigues between an evil witch and a messianic lion, and end up fighting in this big war they really have no stake in whatsoever. I mean, they can just leave at any time. It’s really easy.

It’s kinda funny how stupid The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe becomes when you see it all out there on the screen. I mean, when you read the book, the battles are like “welp a bunch of guys fought, but the important thing is that this one kid shot a bad guy and he feels cool about it.” And here… you get these epic Lord of the Rings style battles, except there are little kids fighting big CGI ogres… no, it doesn’t really work for me. If you’re going to make Narnia movies, at least try to embrace the spirit of the stories as opposed to placing them in the context of a previous epic fantasy series. But, I’ll be honest, I don’t really care. I never liked Narnia all that much when I read them as an elementary schooler.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Directed by: Tom Tykwer

Starring: Ben Whishaw, Dustin Hoffman, Alan Rickman

I’ve been wanting to see this movie ever since I first saw the previews in theaters, and strangely enough it turned out I liked it. Guess I’m pretty awesome for recognizing things I would like or something.

Perfume is about a guy in 18th century France who has super smell powers and decides to use this to make great perfumes. He studies under Dustin Hoffman, who tells him a story about a fabled perfect scent, and he dedicates himself to finding this fragrance. Really the only issue is that he thinks he can get it from killing pretty young girls and extracting their essences. People don’t like that so much.

Perfume is kinda weird, and I can understand that being an impediment to it being more widely recommended. It’s not structured like a horror movie, yet it sets up a perfectly grimy and creepy atmosphere and doesn’t think twice about getting up in your face about the monstrous acts that are going on. The ending is… uh… bad, I guess is the nicest word for it. Also, Dustin Hoffman and Alan Rickman both seem so completely out of place here. It’s like there’s this one period piece drama with those guys in it, and there’s also this cool, creepy movie, and they just stuck ‘em together. Still, despite it’s shortcomings, I recommend Perfume if you’re looking for an interesting and unique thriller.

Shark Night 3D (2011)

Shark Night 3D (2011)

Directed by: David R. Ellis

Starring: Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack

What’s the difference between Jaws 2 and Shark Night 3D? The number in Jaws 2 doesn’t make me want to hurt small children! This joke brought to you by the massive joke that is the lingering 3D movement!

Several teens go down to Louisiana for a vacation and end up getting eaten by a shark. It’s not as simple as that, though, the whole thing is part of a plot by some local rednecks to film extreme shark attacks so they can sell it to the Shark Week fan crowd. Seriously, that’s actually in the movie, I’m not just being a snarky asshole. Wow.

I’m a little amazed that nobody thought to combine the two most used horror themes in a SyFy channel original movie (sharks and murderous rednecks) before. So amazed that there’s no way Shark Night 3D is the first one to do it. Make sure to stay until after the credits for a WACKY rap song performed by the actors!! What a bunch of fun guys that made yet another shitty fucking shark movie!

Cars 2 (2011)

Cars 2 (2011)

Directed by: John Lasseter, Brad Lewis

Starring: Owen Wilson, Larry the Cable Guy, Michael Caine

Unlike Cars, which was a disappointingly pedestrian effort by Pixar, Cars 2 feels almost like a damn insult to the viewers. A film obviously fueled by toy rights and which showcases Larry the Fucking Cable Guy front and center, the only things to enjoy about this movie are the water textures, which are quite good.

An international race turns out to be a cover for a supervillainous plot to discredit a new “green” fuel, which explodes when exposed to x-rays or something. Two secret agents are out to uncover the plot and stop the mastermind, but they need one important piece of the puzzle: an idiot redneck hick who is terrible at everything and who’s words make you want to stab your brain with knitting needles until your speech recognition center is fully destroyed. Also, everybody is cars.

Cars 2 is so much worse than the first one, not because they took out elements which were interesting (of which there were none), but because they fully embraced the Lucasian concept of drowning in merchandising money which they tasted with Cars. I can’t articulate how clear it was this whole movie that they just wanted everything to be toys and on McDonald’s cups and didn’t give a single fuck about whether the story they were telling was interesting and creative and whimsical like every other movie Pixar had ever made. And you know what? It worked just fine. There is absolutely no reason, financially, for them to not make another and another movie like this, because people will keep calling it a fluke and forgiving them for it.