Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

Directed by: John Landis, Steven Spielberg, Joe Dante

Starring: Vic Morrow, Scatman Cruthers, John Lithgow

The Twilight Zone is possibly the best science fiction show in television history. This movie is a remake of three episodes from the show with more modern (well, 80′s, anyway) special effects, as well as a new story in an approximation of Rod Serling’s style.

First is the new story, where a racist in a bar finds himself transported to Nazi Germany where he is himself persecuted. Next, a bunch of people in an old folks’ home play Kick the Can at nights to literally regain their youth. Third involves a schoolteacher who finds herself in a house where a child with magic powers is holding his family hostage, and finally, a man claims to see something on the wing of an airplane that’s tearing shit up.

Yeah, it’s pretty good. Some of the new(er) special effects are pretty neat, especially in the “It’s a Good Life” remake, but the effects are not at all what makes the Twilight Zone great. Honestly, I can’t imagine a situation where I’d rather watch this film than any of the original episodes, and the first one with the guy going to Nazi-world isn’t nearly as good as some actual Twilight Zone episodes about that same concept (“He’s Alive” where Dennis Hopper meets Hitler comes directly to mind).

The Beaver (2011)

The Beaver (2011)

Directed by: Jodie Foster

Starring: Mel Gibson, Jodie Foster, Anton Yelchin

This porn parody of Leave it to Beaver is about… wait wait, I’m getting confused. The Beaver is a dramatic film about how Mel Gibson is completely ball-punching insane, and it was apparently directed by Jodie Foster. That’s pretty surprising.

Gibson is having trouble with his family life and as the CEO of a toy company, which culminates when he’s thrown out of his home by his wife. He finds an old beaver hand puppet and begins communicating through it, which his therapist approves of as a method for treating his crushing depression. His life actually does improve quite a bit, once everyone gets over how weird it is talking to an Australian beaver puppet. However, after his life is back on the right track, he finds he still can’t escape the beaver…

I actually quite liked this one. You get a really good feel for Gibson’s character being super nuts (yeah, I know, he may not have been acting at all, you and everyone else in the world made that joke). I also really like the ending, where it shows that this “unusual therapy” really only postponed the insanity and transferred it somewhere else… there’s actually a bit of a horror vibe in there. I’d recommend it if you like movies about good ol’ fashioned down-home crazy people.

Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody (2011)

Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody (2011)

Directed by: Axel Braun

Starring: Xander Corvus, Capri Anderson, Dick Delaware

Here’s another Axel Braun porn parody, the same director of Batman XXX and… apparently another 20 or so in the last couple years. God, I just realized how damn many of these things there are. I guess if there’s one thing the sex industry is good at, it’s being prolific! Get it? That was kind of a sex/making babies kinda joke. I know it didn’t work very well, but… leave me alone.

An electrician has an accident on the job and finds that he has electric-based super-powers and he decides to call himself Electro. He uses these powers to kill hookers after he has sex with them, so he doesn’t have to pay. Sure, that’s evil, but it seems a little under-achieving. Kingpin, the head of the local crime syndicate, gets in contact with him with a special job: Presumably kill Spider-Man? They don’t ever say, and the movie ends before they actually do anything. Meanwhile, Peter Parker goes on dates with his girlfriend and generally just hangs out as Spider-Man.

I can’t tell you how annoyed I was that this movie just ended before it even got to the second act. And yes, I know I’m a retard for expecting a porn movie to keep a standard structure, but that isn’t important here. What is important is that this movie just ENDS. BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENS. Well, I guess there’s some sex or something, but still! I should mention that the high point of this film is a recreation of the upside-down kiss from the 2002 Spider-Man film, except they make it all porny by having it be an upside-down blowjob. It was funny, sure, but also holy shit that that dude was able to keep an erection for 10-15 minutes, however long that was, while upside-down! That’s a pretty impressive feat.

Pron: The XXX Parody (2011)

Pron: The XXX Parody (2011)

Directed by: Lee Roy Myers, Sam Hain

Starring: Andy San Dimas, Zoe Voss, Lexi Belle

I’ll be honest, once I found out there was a porn parody of Tron named Pron, I knew I just HAD to see it. I also realized that I should probably watch Tron and it’s sequel while I was at it, just because it would be kinda weird to see the parody without having first seen the source materials. It wasn’t really worth it. Pron was pretty funny, though.

A computer hacker and sex toy designer (because this is porn, you see) accidentally gets sucked into his computer while trying to find proof that his old company stole his dildo designs. He has sex with several program-people until he finally finds the Masturbation Control Program, which is a big Andross-style head. In exchange for the proof he needs, the hacker gives the MCP some hands so he can masturbate, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Even for a porno, there isn’t a lot of plot to this movie. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed by that… but I think that’s just because I keep going into these things looking for comedy and I forget that their primary purpose is still sex. On another note, they actually managed to make a more coherent story than Tron: Legacy by combining the first and second films in the franchise, and they had one line where they mention why the outfits are all of a sudden better which would’ve actually be incredibly useful in Legacy.

Tron: Legacy (2010)

Tron: Legacy (2010)

Directed by: Joseph Kosinski

Starring: Jeff Bridges, Garrett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde

Hey, remember that movie from nearly 30 years ago that became kind of a cult hit, Tron? Yeah… so I was watching this movie The Matrix Reloaded yesterday and it got me thinking that we should just re-work that kinda awkwardly to be a sequel to that old movie! They’re the same thing, right? Okay, cool, get on it. You have eighty bajillion dollars to spend.

30 years after Jeff Bridges got sucked into a computer, his son finds out that that’s probably where the old fart went to, and that’s why he hasn’t been involved in his son’s life. Bridges is basically like one of those moms who let their babies starve because of World of Warcraft in this movie. Anyway, the kid goes into the computer and he has to save the last remaining race of sentient programs (Wilde) from an evil program (creepy uncanny valley CGI young Jeff Bridges) who wants to kill her because… uh…

There are some neat effects in this movie, but it hits a weird middle ground between trying to make it look like The Matrix while incorporating elements from the original Tron‘s design. Unfortunately, Legacy manages to forget that the only neat thing about Tron was that it was very stylized and unique and weird. This is… well, it’s The Matrix Reloaded. I can’t really say that enough. And then there’s weird young Jeff Bridges which is an effect just good enough to make you kinda shudder whenever you see him… yeah, I definitely wouldn’t recommend this one.