Dolphin Tale (2011)

Dolphin Tale (2011)

Directed by: Charles Martin Smith

Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr.

Did you know that Morgan Freeman is only 74 years old? Seems like he’s been in his 60′s for at least thirty years now, I just keep expecting him to finally keel over and rob the world of it’s most impressive wise old black man. I guess he’s in a race with James Earl Jones to see who’ll die first. Though, aren’t we all in that race? Really makes ya think, doesn’t it? Makes you think about… anything other than a dumb kid’s movie about a dolphin.

In this by-the-book children’s story, a young boy comes across a wounded dolphin on a beach and rescues it (with the help of a dolphin recovery squad. Actually, the kid doesn’t really do anything). The dolphin has to have it’s tail amputated, and in an amazing coincidence, the kid’s cousin gets released from the army because of a major injury and is stationed in a military hospital specializing in people with prostheses. Morgan Freeman designs a special artificial tale for the dolphin, and… ohhhhhhhhh, I get it! Dolphin TALE! Like… it’s a story, but it’s also about the thing’s tail! Oh, that’s clever.

You could seriously not make a more formulaic kid’s movie. It even ends with the spunky animal saving the animal hospital because of a fundraiser. I’m convinced that successful fundraisers only exist in this breed of film in the first place, so sticking one in there is just like admitting that you don’t really care whether the film’s interesting or not. I mean, kids don’t give a shit. I watched this with two little kids, and they loved every cookie-cutter minute of it. The moral of the story is that children are idiots. Speaking of which, now I’m done with reviews for today, I don’t have any more excuses not to have to be around them. Fuck Christmas, man.

The Great Dictator (1940)

The Great Dictator (1940)

Directed by: Charlie Chaplin

Starring: Charlie Chaplin, Paulette Goddard, Jack Oakie

I was really impressed with Modern Times because it showed Charlie Chaplin’s ability to keep his silent movie comedy style intact even with the inclusion of spoken words, but The Great Dictator takes it even further, as the entire movie has sound, and both of Chaplin’s dual roles use speaking as a significant part of the comedy. Charlie Chaplin is a hilarious guy, whoda thunk it?

In the fictional country of Tomania, a despot named Adenoid Hynkel comes to power. He distracts the people from his building of military power by villainizing the Jewish people of the country, which directly affects a Jewish barber (also played by Chaplin). After a couple hours of Hitleresque Hijinks, the barber accidentally gets mistaken for Hynkel before a big speech, and this thoughtful, caring man instead delivers a heartfelt plea about equality for all mankind.

The thing everyone remembers about this movie is that final speech, and for good reason. It’s well-written, well-spoken, and very touching. However, because of that speech, it’s easy to forget that this is actually a pretty damn funny comedy. I particularly enjoy Chaplin’s use of faux-German ranting for comedic effect (which, again, reminds one of the gibberish song the Tramp sings in Modern Times). It’s maybe not Chaplin’s best film, but if you take into account the subject matter and the time it was made, it’s a pretty ballsy film. And funny. Gotta keep reminding myself that it was funny, too.

The Lost Future (2010)

The Lost Future (2010)

Directed by: Mikael Salomon

Starring: Sean Bean, Corey Sevier, Sam Claflin

Man, I hate when lose the future! You always think it’s going to be like, right there, and then it’s nowhere to be found! It’s like every time we’re just about to get to the future, it becomes the present instead. So annoying. That isn’t what this movie is about, of course, I’m just saying things because I feel like it. Hooray for me!

In the future, there has been an apocalypse. Luckily, we’ve skipped the Mad Max post-apocalyptic times and have gone into the much farther caveman post-apocalyptic times. Here, there are monster animals with poison bites and zombies (god save me from the zombies in EVERY DAMN MOVIE), and Sean Bean has some yellow powder that makes him immortal or something. The real story is that there’s a group of teenage cavepersons who adventure through the lush jungles of the post-apocalypse for these magic beans so they won’t die of future poison or whatever.

Yep, zombies. Here I thought I’d be able to escape the zombies in a dumb jungle post-apocalypse movie made for the SyFy channel, but apparently I was living a dumb idiot lie. Am I really going to have to wait another ten years of zombies in everything before the rest of the world gets as tired of them as I am? Maybe I should just stop watching cheap, shitty movies for a while. Haha, I am a funny person. I need a drink. A whole fleet of drinks.

Area 51: The Alien Interview (1997)

Area 51: The Alien Interview (1997)

Directed by: Jeff Broadstreet

Starring: Steven Williams, Bob Lazar, Sean David Morton

When I watched this “documentary” about aliens and Area 51, I felt something hidden stirring inside me, something I never knew existed. I really, really wanted to make my own alien interview movie. It’s a god damn work of comic genius to make a film exploring found footage about aliens when you don’t care about convincing anyone that it’s real, because it’s obviously not.

The first half of the film is the narrator explaining what UFO enthusiasts believe happened over the years at Roswell, New Mexico. Apparently it’s something about aliens or something. After that, we get to see the titular interview itself, where a man asks questions to a hand puppet with a flashlight for an arm, and pretends to hear answers. Then we get a bunch of UFO guys reacting to the footage, which is just so awesome.

There’s one guy in this movie who was apparently a puppeteer for Babylon 5 or something, who just piles praise on this video. “No, no, this is definitely not a puppet. Whoever made this was the best puppet guy ever. If it was a puppet.” IT’S YOU! YOU MADE IT! It’s so goddamn obvious and just sad and hilarious all at the same time. I highly recommend this movie, it’s a laff riot.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

Directed by: Blake Edwards

Starring: Audrey Hepburn, George Peppard, Patricia Neal

I’m a little nervous about this review. I have to weigh the necessity to be honest with my opinions against whether I ever want to get laid again. Seriously, I already don’t like The Princess Bride, this could be the last nail in the coffin!

A flighty socialite falls in love with the writer that lives downstairs, but instead she marries a foreign diplomat, because he’s got way more money. In the end the good guys get together and yay, but… eh.

The first half of this film is actually kinda interesting. It’s just a story about how much Truman Capote hated the elite New York party types, so he makes them all these horrible, broken people. Then the last half is a disappointingly generic romance movie sorta thing, and it just completely ruins the mood.