Solar Crisis (1990)

Solar Crisis (1990)

Directed by: Richard C. Sarafian

Starring: Tim Matheson, Charlton Heston, Peter Boyle

Oh boy, this here’s another Alan Smithee movie. I’ve mentioned this before, but that’s the fake name a director gives instead of putting his own name on the movie, because he believes it’s not the way he originally envisioned it or the studio meddled too much or some other thing. Mostly it’s just a bad portent.

It’s the future, and there’s going to be a huge solar flare that’ll burn the Earth, so a crew has to fly a spaceship to the sun and drop a bomb on it in the right spot to prevent that. Obviously, they fly there during the night and land safely, and that’s the end of the movie.

Okay, maybe not, but that would’ve been great. This movie is so 2001 it hurts. There’s even a vaguely evil computer named Freddie that the spaceship crew has to deal with. Also there’s a psychic lady or something, and even a ripoff of the ending sequence from 2001 with her while she’s dropping the bomb on the sun. There’s also a pointless subplot involving a crazy Jack Palance and Charlton Heston’s son which was the best part of the movie. Pretty much all because crazy, forgetful Jack Palance is hilarious.

The Sender (1998)

The Sender (1998)

Directed by: Richard Pepin

Starring: Michael Madsen, R. Lee Ermey, Robert Vaughn

R. Lee Ermey, the man who will always be known as his role as the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket… apparently liked playing his hardass sarge character in any movie possible, including shitty direct-to-video sci-fi movies with angels and aliens. I guess he just really liked his work.

An alien lady has been curing the cancer in a little girl who is gaining magic powers. The girl’s father has to protect her (with the help of the alien angel lady) from THE GOVERNMENT. That’s pretty much it.

Yep, dumb 90′s action movie with a dose of stripping alien lady and, of course, Michael Madsen. I’m pretty sure he never did anything but this exact sort of movie, and I don’t care enough about him to actually look him up on IMDb or anything. What was my point?

Wolfman (1979)

Wolfman (1979)

Directed by: Worth Keeter

Starring: Earl Owensby, Kristina Reynolds, Sid Rancer

Haha, I love this movie poster. That werewolf/wookiee thing looks really surprised at something. Probably because all he has is a head and one arm. That would surprise me if it just happened all of a sudden. While I was a werewolf, of course. Otherwise that’s pretty normal.

Anyway, Wolfman is about a guy who has a curse on his family and becomes the latest in a long line of werewolves. Most of the movie is about him being suspicious about his extended family which he went to visit because his dad died (with good reason, they were doing Satanic rituals to turn him into a werewolf, after all), but soon enough he turns into a wolfman and kills some people. Finally, he kills the Satanic priest who’s been sustaining the curse on his family (which is never explained why it’s there, but whatever) and turns back into a human. Also, I think he dies.

Remember when werewolves used to be Satanic curses on people? They were like, pure evil while in werewolf, while the person was mentally tortured about the horrible things they did? Yeah, that was nice. Much better than an adolescent power fantasy about being stronger and in tune with nature and invincible or whatever stupid shit they’re doing with werewolves now. And yes, I probably do mention this in every single stupid werewolf or vampire movie I see, but I’m not about to stop now, so fuck off.

Scream of the Wolf (1974)

Scream of the Wolf (1974)

Directed by: Dan Curtis

Starring: Peter Graves, Clint Walker, Jo Ann Pflug

I think this is the first movie I ever saw Clint Walker in, and it’s really what I think of every time I see him. He’s such a smarmy asshole in this movie, and while he’s kinda creepy, since he’s pretty much the guy you suspect is a werewolf the whole time, he still breaks that up by being completely goofy every once in a while. Good stuff.

In a small town, people are getting killed by some sort of huge, strong animal which seems like a big wolf, but which also apparently leaves tracks that start on four legs, then go to two, then disappear entirely. What could it possibly be, I hear you asking? Surely not a werewolf! Only Peter Graves, ex-hunter and tracker extraordinaire can find out the answer… for some reason.

Clint Walker has some excellent lines in this movie. The first time you see him, Graves asks him if he was still going to Africa, but he says he’s going to South America instead. When asked why, his answer is simply, “South America’s better.” It’s a very matter-of-fact statement, so he must know what he’s talking about. Sorry, Africa. Also, after a tense arm wrestling scene where Peter Graves has to not lose for a minute so Walker will help him find the werewolf (yes, this actually happens in the movie), Graves is drinking to his failure when Walker shows up out of the blue, stating only: “Changed my mind.” No reason whatsoever.

The only reason anyone should ever watch this movie is for Clint Walker: Smug Asshole. Also, it has a good twist, which surprised me, even though I’ve seen it before, though that probably speaks to my terrible memory more than anything else.

Star Hunter (1995)

Star Hunter (1995)

Directed by: Cole S. McKay, Fred Olen Ray

Starring: Roddy McDowall, Stella Stevens, Rebecca Budig

Roddy McDowall?! NOOOOOOO!!! Why were you in this shitty movie? I mean, you had a great career of… uh… wait, did Roddy McDowall ever actually do anything good? Pretty much Planet of the Apes and that one episode of the Twilight Zone, right? Huh. Wonder why he never did anything good. He’s good. Huh.

So there’s this blind alien guy, Roddy McDowall, who’s on Earth in a bad neighborhood, and a busload of high school football players stop by his house. Of course, he breaks out his giant robot and starts hunting them down, like some sort of game. Like a… most deadly game. Or, maybe he IS the robot thing, I’m not entirely sure. Anyway, kids defeat him with the power of fire, which nothing can resist.

I never really figured that one out. At first there’s Roddy McDowall as himself with sunglasses. Then the kids leave and are chased by the robot guy you see on the video cover there, but he has a communicator or computer or something that has Roddy McDowall’s head telling him things… so the robot thing ISN’T McDowall, right? But then later they go back to his house, and he’s not there. Where did he go? Was he like, a hologram or some stupid shit like that and was actually a computer? He does say that he himself was a hunter who hunted species with their own weapons (which really should’ve alerted the idiot kids that he hunted people, since other animals don’t tend to have WEAPONS, but anyway)… I don’t know. In any case, it’s not very well stated the reason behind any of this, and once they announce that “nothing can withstand fire!”, you stop holding out any hope that it’ll ever be explained.

If you like watching robots shoot cheerleaders with shotguns, this is your movie! If you’re not a serial killer, you might want to find something else.